Kevin, Just Claim the Election Was Stolen and Declare Victory

Kevin McCarthy's Clear Path to Victory -- Cheat

There are 222 House Republicans. Of these, 170 are election deniers. These folks know about election fraud. They feel it in their blood. They don’t need proof. The more proof you show them about what really happened, the more theories they develop for why they are right. They are election deniers for a simple reason. They enjoy denying elections or having someone deny an election for them.

Hence, Speaker McCarthy should just claim the first, second, third, fourth, and fifth votes were stolen. Yes, the voting was broadcast nationwide. Yes, any sentient being could see and hear Kevin lose, despite having bribed and begged his opponents for the job.

But darn it, it’s Kevin’s job. He worked for it. He deserves it. He says it’s his rightful reward for four hard years of work. This included hard groveling at President Trump’s feet and downplaying the January 6th insurrection after it nearly cost him his life. (The mob wanted to hang someone. Beating helpless police lying on the ground wasn’t enough. Lynching Kevin wouldn’t have been ideal, but hey.)

Plus, Kevin’s already moved into the Speaker’s office. It wouldn’t be fair to ask him to hire movers again.

Kev, Here’s what you do. Explain that the votes that people are seeing and hearing are not real. Whenever the members vote, they are instantly being controlled by a foreign power, someone named ZAnon — the Satanic pedophile of whom QAnon warns. ZAnon, as Q will tell you, is an audiophile with audiophallic powers that transform Yes votes to No votes.

Kev. You got this? As soon as you say it was stolen, everyone will agree. Like I said, your colleagues would kill to steal an election. Give them what they really want.